Most people have heard the old saying, “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.” But what happens when the man is having trouble learning how to fish?

He’s working at it, but not having much success. In the meantime he’s getting hungry.

What do you do? Take over and catch a fish for him so he doesn’t feel hungry anymore? Or let him continue to struggle until he gets the hang of it?

In my opinion, unless the hunger situation is growing dire, you should probably let him continue to figure it out for himself. Nothing like a little hunger pang to push the learning process along.

It’s the same with fastpitch softball skills – without the hunger part of course. It can be difficult to watch a player – especially one who is your child – struggle to learn a new skill.

We all want to see our kids be successful. We don’t want to see them in distress, or feeling confused, and we certainly don’t want to have them feel like they’re falling behind their peers.

So it’s tempting for a parent to jump in the minute their daughter doesn’t seem to be getting some new concept. It’s tempting for a coach to start firing off instructions after every repetition to try to force the learning process to go faster.

Believe me, I’ve done both of them.

But here’s my sincere advice to you: don’t. Instead, push down those protective instincts and let them struggle to learn whatever it is they’re supposed to learn.

Not because it’s acceptable to be mean to them, but because they will learn whatever it is better.

That’s not just me saying it. Learning experts across the spectrum will tell you that the struggle is a part of the process.

When we struggle to learn something, we have to dive deeper into it, giving us a better understanding of what we’re trying to do. Yes, it may take a little longer, but we will internalize it better, getting us to the unconscious competence state that enables the highest level of performance.

Neuroscience research shows that when learners struggle with a concept or a task, it changes the brain. Neural pathways are strengthened and become faster – a pretty important benefit when you consider the speed of our sport and the complex decision trees that have to be run through in most plays.

When players have to struggle through learning a skill they also tend to learn it at a deeper level, making it more repeatable over the long term.

Think about it this way: If you jump in and try to shortcut the learning process by giving players the answer instead of learning to solve the problem on their own, it may solve the short-term issue of them not being able to perform.

But you’re not exactly going to be able to do that for them when the game is on the line. If they haven’t internalized the solution themselves through their own struggles, they’re unlikely to be able to perform under pressure in the heat of the game.

So does that mean no coaching at all? Of course not. That would be a silly conclusion to come to.

It’s more a matter of once someone explains what needs to be done, give the player time to understand how to accomplish the task within her own frame of reference, and on her own timetable.

Let’s say a player is trying to learn how to field ground balls. The team coach explains how to get down to the ground, how to position the glove, whether to stay back or charge in depending on the speed of the ball, when and how to set her feet, etc.

Then a ground ball is hit to her and she completely whiffs the play, not doing anything the coach said. As a parent should you jump in and try to explain it to your daughter because you know her best?

I would say no, at least if the coach seems to know what he/she is doing. All you’re going to do is become a distraction to the learning process.

As I keep pointing out, kids are not just short adults. Just because something was explained to them doesn’t mean they understand everything that was said.

For the very young, keep in mind they’re not that many years away from when their whole process of learning about the world around them involved sticking it in their mouth.

Instead, give them the opportunity to learn through trial and error. They try something, and it either works or it doesn’t.

If it doesn’t, they move on to try something else. And if they don’t try something else on the next round, hopefully the coach will give them another cue, or type of cue, that will help guide them down the path to discovery.

There’s a place for letting them struggle, and there’s a time to step in.

It’s important to keep in mind too that unless you are the player’s coach as well as parent, you have a different relationship with your daughter than the coach does. She will hear things differently from the coach than she will from you.

Basically, when the coach tells her to do something she will hear guidance. When you say the same thing, she will hear criticism and will be more likely to shut down automatically. That’s a different type of struggle for another day.

At the same time, regardless of the actual volume, your daughter will tend to hear your voice over the coach’s voice because her brain has been tuned to hear you whether she wants to or not. That will ultimately get in the way of her developing a strong player-coach relationship and will likely stunt her softball growth even further.

And if you are both parent and coach, take my advice on this one from personal experience: Have another coach give your daughter the corrections. She’ll take them a whole lot better.

Yes, it can be difficult to watch your daughter struggle to acquire a new skill or improve an old one. But don’t take that struggle as a negative sign – or as something you need to fix for her.

It’s simply a part of the process – an important part of the process. By letting her work through it in her own way, and on her own timeline, she will ultimately learn it better, at a deeper level, and be able to draw upon it when she needs it most.

And she’ll get greater satisfaction from it when it finally does come together.