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Person First. Student Second. Player Third.
Today’s post was actually written by my partner in podcasting Coach Jay Bolden of Be Bold Fastpitch LLC. As many of you know Jay and i do the From the Coach’s Mouth podcast, where we interview coaches and talk amongst ourselves about all sorts of fastpitch softball and general coaching topics.
You can find it on all your favorite podcast platforms, including Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Ok, commercial over.
A couple of days ago, though, I saw Jay put up a great post on his Be Bold Fastpitch LLC Facebook page, talking about how he approaches working with his students. It was very heartfelt and great advice for all of us to remember so I asked him if I could reprint it here. He, of course, is a great guy so he said yes.
So here’s what he had to say on the topic. He has a lot of great content like this so I highly recommend that if you are on Facebook you give him a follow. And if you’re not, get on Facebook and then follow him. It will be well worth it.
Without further ado, here’s the post:
Let me say this loud and clear…
Person first. Student second. Player third.
Somewhere along the way, youth sports flipped that order — and we’re seeing the damage every single day. Kids tied up in performance anxiety. Kids terrified to make a mistake. Kids who think their value comes from stat sheets, exit velos, strike percentages, and trophy photos.
That’s on us as adults.
If a kid thinks her worth depends on how she plays on Saturday, then we failed long before the first pitch.
Because softball is a chapter in her life — not her entire identity.
Before I care about her curveball, her batting average, or where she hits in the lineup… I care about what kind of person she’s becoming.
Is she kind? Coachable? Honest? Does she show up for others?
That matters more than any tournament ring.
Then comes the student.
Grades, habits, responsibility, learning how to manage real life — those are the things that carry her long after her last at-bat.
Player is last on purpose.
Not because the game doesn’t matter — it does.
But because the game is the platform, not the identity.
We’re not just coaching softball.
We’re developing strong, confident young women who can handle life.
Person first.
Student second.
Player third.
And when we get that right?
The softball takes care of itself.
Train Hard. Play Bold. Chase Greatness.
The Power of a Kind Word (or Two)
A couple of nights ago one of my hitting students, we’ll call her Persephone (for no reason other than it amuses me), came in for her first lesson in a few weeks. She is playing high school ball right now and has been tearing it up for the most part, but Persephone has had a little less success lately and decided it was time for a tune-up.
Her dad walked in before her and gave me a heads-up that Persephone had had a rough game that night, going 0-3, and was also having a little family-based teen angst on top of it. Always nice to have some warning in those cases.
When Persephone came in (wish I’d picked a name that is easier to type) I could see her mental state was no minor issue. She was an emotional pot ready to boil over.
She was trying to keep the lid on it, but it was rattling pretty hard. Most of the time she is a pretty even-keel, laid back young woman but even the toughest among us can get overwhelmed at times, and that’s what was happening here.
We started into the lesson and I asked her about the game. She told me she just couldn’t hit the pitcher, and in particular was unable to touch her curveball. Persephone told me she was swinging and missing it by quite a bit.
Her dad had told me in the beginning that it wasn’t just Persephone who had that trouble that night; the opposing pitcher was one walk shy of a perfect game. But Persephone is a team leader who sets high standards for her performance, so it didn’t matter to her that everyone else struggled; she felt she could have and should have hit that girl anyway.
I talked to her some about the mental game, staying focused on the process instead of outcomes, keeping it simple, how to relieve stress at the plate, all of that. It helped somewhat.
When I went to front toss I identified a mechanical flaw too – she was pulling her front side out instead of hitting around it, so it’s no wonder she couldn’t touch those outside curveballs. She made the correction and started hitting a little better, but I could see she was still in her own head too much.
Then the miracle happened.
There was another hitting instructor doing a lesson in the cage next to us. His name is Dave Doerhoefer, and we have known each other for more years than either of us probably cares to admit.
Dave is a friend as well as a great coach, and we often have chats about the current state of the sport, especially when it comes to teams playing too many games and not practicing and teaching enough.
He was working with his student on firming up her front side as she went into rotation instead of letting it collapse but she was having trouble grasping the concept. His line of sight took him directly toward our cage and he saw how hard Persephone was swinging the bat and how sweet her technique was, so he asked Persephone if his student could watch her a few times because she has such a nice swing.
It was literally like the clouds had parted and the sun was doing a happy dance in her heart.
Dave’s question totally pulled Persephone out of her self-inflicted funk and her face just lit up. Then she started lighting up my front toss pitches too – including the outside ones.
That one simple question, which was also in effect a great, unsolicited compliment from someone that had no stake in the process but just liked what she was doing, turned Persephone’s entire approach around.
Later I thanked Dave for his kind words and told him what it had meant to Persephone. He shrugged and thanked me for telling him that, but admitted he had no motivation in it other than wanting his student to see another hitter doing what he wanted her to do in real time.
Now, I will say Dave may come to regret his kindness because in addition to being a hitting instructor he is also a varsity softball coach at Vernon Hills High School, and his team may play Persephone’s somewhere along the way – perhaps the State playoffs. But I’m sure he’s ok with it because Dave’s #1 focus is on helping fastpitch softball players get better, no matter if they are his or his opponents’.
The point here is it didn’t take much to make Persephone’s day and help her go from feeling bad about herself when she came in to walking on air with a big smile on her face when she left. You have the power to do the same.
When you’re at the field and you see someone do something great, whether it’s a driving big hit or making a diving catch or throwing a knee-buckling changeup or making a heads-up slide, don’t just admire it to yourself. Find that girl after the game and tell her – even if she’s on the opposing team. That goes for parents as well as coaches.
You never know what someone else has been going through, and those few kind words may be just the inspiration they need to keep fighting and overcome their struggles. It only takes a few seconds, but the ripple effect from that encounter might just alter the trajectory of a life in a positive way, even if just by a few degrees.
And the best part? Offering up a sincere compliment now and then doesn’t cost you anything but a little thought and time.
I know some of the happiest stories my students tell me are when an opposing coach or parents tells them they did a great job. So this weekend, get out there and if you see something good say something good about it.
You never know who needs to hear it.
My good friend Jay Bolden and I have started a new podcast called “From the Coach’s Mouth” where we interview coaches from all areas and levels of fastpitch softball as well as others who may not be fastpitch people but have lots of interesting ideas to contribute.
You can find it here on Spotify, as well as on Apple Podcasts, Pandora, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you’re searching, be sure to put the name in quotes, i.e., “From the Coach’s Mouth” so it goes directly to it.
Give it a listen and let us know what you think. And be sure to hit the Like button and subscribe to Life in the Fastpitch Lane for more content like this.
Lead photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Remember: Those Players You’re Criticizing Are Real People
This year’s (2023 for future readers) Women’s College World Series (WCWS) was another huge score for the sport. The TV coverage overall drew an average of 1.1 million viewers per game, up 6% over last year according to Sports Business Journal, while the championship game peaked with 2.3 million viewers.
What tremendous visibility for our sport! Yet as it grows in popularity there is an unfortunate, unintended consequence that comes with it: an marked in increase in harsh and just downright mean comments about the 18 to 22 year old women who play the game.
You see, with the size of the spectacle comes an increased dissociation of the player we see from the human being she is. When you don’t think of the player as a real person, it’s easy to criticize her based on the observer’s impossibly high expectations of perfection.
In other words, the standards that are often applied to highly paid professional athletes with years of experience are now being used to measure the performance and value of young women who are just beginning to come of age. That doesn’t feel right to me.
Yet it’s not just these high-level college players who are feeling the sting of these harsh and sometimes even troll-level comments, often delivered by people who never picked up a ball and competed themselves. They’re also being directed at lower-level college, high school and even younger players in social media and softball-related forums and websites.
Now consider that according to the National Institute of Mental Health, the human brain doesn’t finish developing until a person is in their mid-to-late 20s. (And for the people I’m talking about in this post it may never fully develop.)
What that means is you have unthinking people lobbing terrible comments at adolescents and young adults whose brains may not be equipped to handle them. It may not feel personal to the stranger making the comment – after all, these are just images on a screen or random players on a field to them – but it can feel VERY personal to those on the receiving end.
Consider the college player who makes an error at a critical time that contributes to a loss that knocks her team out of the WCWS. (It doesn’t cause the loss because in the course of the game there were plenty of opportunities to make that error meaningless, but happening when it does puts it in the spotlight).
She feels bad enough about it already. But then someone she doesn’t know has to go and call her out in a way that is rude and classless to make him/herself look smart or superior.
What the commentor doesn’t know is this young woman may already be suffering from significant self-doubt or even full-on Imposter Syndrome. That comment might be enough to put her over the edge to where it affects more than her ability to play softball.
Because underneath the uniform is a real human being with a real story and real feelings of her own. She didn’t mean to make the error, she worked really hard on her game so she wouldn’t make that error, but sometimes it still occurs.
Some of these rude commentators like to get even more personal about it because it makes them feel big. They’ll go into a public forum and paraphrase a line from the Mighty Ducks 2, saying a player with a larger body size would have caught that pop-up if it was a cheeseburger.
They may think they’re being funny, but to an athlete already dealing with body or other self-image issues, these types of hurtful comments can be devastating.
It’s not that they’re snowflakes, because in the course of their day they are likely dealing with a lot of pressure from all sides and handling it well. But we all have chinks in our armor, and that’s one that can end up ripping a pretty big hole if the player already has a negative self-image.
Look, everyone has a story, and even if you see a profile on ESPN you’re not getting the whole story. Just the part of it everyone wants to highlight. Like a duck on the water it may look calm on top, but underneath there’s a lot of churning going on.
Before you choose to criticize or comment on a player in a harsh way, stop and think. Is this the way I’d want someone talking about me, or my wife, daughter, sister, etc.?
Remember that all those players you’re watching aren’t just images in a video game. They’re real, live human beings with real, live feelings and all their own personal stuff they’re going through.
If you feel the need, criticize the play but not the player. It’s simply the right thing to do.
Internet troll graphic: Simplicius (talk · contribs); derivative work by odder, CC BY-SA 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
Teach Your Children Well
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been seeing several posts and discussions about sportsmanship and the lack thereof. I’m not talking about umpire abuse, which I’ve talked about before, or parents getting into screaming matches or even fistfights on the sidelines.
Instead, the issue has to do with all the sing-song cheering that goes on in the dugout.
Now, let me say from the outset that I’m not a huge fan of that type of cheering. I personally find it annoying and a distraction. I’d much rather have my players focused on studying the pitcher and looking for defensive tendencies than worrying about what rhymes they’re going to scream at the tops of their lungs.
That doesn’t make cheering wrong, necessarily, it’s just not my cup of tea. Then again, neither is Metallica, although a lot of other people seem to like them.
Still, if doing the cheers makes it more fun for the girls then I say have it. I’ll deal.
The only caveat is that you should be cheering for your team, not against the other team or insulting them in some way. And that’s where it seems to be going wrong more and more these days.
There has always been an element of that in the sport. I remember hearing cheers about pitchers rolling the ball in or the infamous “siren” when a runner stole a base back in the day. Those are things you have to learn to shake off.
But in today’s world it seems like it’s getting a lot nastier, and a lot more personal.
The problem is you’re not just setting a tone for a team in a game. Coaches who allow or encourage that type of behavior are teaching their players that, well, it’s perfectly fine to be a jerk to others if it gets you what you want.
Is that really the takeaway we want to give our players?
People always talk about how playing sports teaches the concept of sportsmanship and fair play, qualities that are essential to a higher-functioning society.
In these cases, however, that’s not what’s happening. In fact, it’s going the other way.
An entire generation built on making yourself feel better by putting others down or doing whatever you want no matter how it affects others does not lead to a better society. Quite the opposite.
There is simply no reason for this type of behavior. Instead, sports should be teaching our young people that they can support their teammates while respecting those on the other side.
They should also be teaching that punching down on someone who is struggling is just wrong. Yes, that pitcher may be slower than you’re used to, but that doesn’t mean it’s your job to point it out to the entire field and make her feel bad about herself.
Instead, appreciate that she’s doing the best she can in that moment. Instead, have some empathy for her, and think about how you would feel if you were her and others were yelling their nastiness at you in front of the crowd.
The same goes for making fun of a player who made an error or struck out on a bad pitch. Celebrate what your side did without pointing out the flaws of theirs.
Because someday, in some other situation, like a new job, she may very well be you. And you’re going to hope your coworkers will help you instead of simply jeering and telling the rest of the company how badly you suck.
Coaches, if you hear this sort of thing coming out of your players shut it down immediately. I get that you may not even notice what they’re saying, especially if you tend to tune that noise out like I do. But someone on the staff should be able to notice it and address it.
If they don’t, parents don’t hesitate to bring it up to the coach. After all, that’s your daughter and her friends/teammates.
You want them to grow up to be decent human beings, and to think about the world they’re going to leave for Keith Richards and Willie Nelson someday.
They need to learn how to make the world a better place than they found it, and their behavior during games (especially if there is a mismatch in talent) is a great place to start.
I know some will say “The world is a tough place and the little snowflakes need to toughen up.” But it’s only tough if we all collectively allow it to be.
If each person does a little bit every day to make the world a little better the cumulative effect will be immense. For softball players, they can start by cheering FOR their team rather than AGAINST their opponents – either individually or as a team.
Teach your children well. Because the lessons they’re learning on the field today can have a big impact on who they become as adults.
Life in the Fastpitch Lane 