For the last couple of posts, I have been talking about fastpitch softball players taking personal responsibility for their playing time and experience. The first post spoke generally about the importance of looking to yourself first if you aren’t satisfied with your role, while the second told an uplifting story of a player who followed these principles to great success.

Yet sometimes you can do all of that and it still doesn’t work out. Doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do – you always want to focus on the things you can control first. But sometimes the uncontrollables overwhelm even your best efforts.

That hit home for me after the first post came out. I received a lot of positive comments and appreciative messages. Players were happy for the encouragement, and coaches who are trying to motivate their teams said they were going to share it with their players.

I also received a message on Facebook from a young woman telling me a story about how she worked hard at every practice and every game, was always there, always on time, was a good and supportive teammate, performed when she had the chance, and essentially did everything I talked about.

She told me despite those efforts, her coach still played other girls who weren’t nearly as dedicated and didn’t work nearly as hard ahead of her. Some of those girls would even miss practice for social events, and even then things didn’t change. She and her mom talked to the coach about it but he said he wasn’t going to penalize them for it, which left a bad taste in her mouth.

Then she said the thing I was dreading most: “And that coach was you.”

Yes, that’s right. Much as I have always tried to be good and fair, and have talked about treating players right, I haven’t always walked the walk.

This particular set of events happened fairly early in my coaching career, when I was more of a volunteer parent coach than a true coach. While there’s a long story behind it, I essentially allowed myself to get put in a position where I essentially lost control of the team.

It’s a situation I often refer to in business as well as athletics as being “the Queen of England.” You have a ceremonial title, but you your actual level of authority is weak. The masses tolerate you, but will turn on you in heartbeat if you go against their wishes.

No excuses. I let it happen, and I didn’t know enough at the time how to regain control. I was also far too concerned about what other people thought and how they would react. I let myself get talked into carrying too many players to placate a certain contingent on the team.

As I recall we ended up with 17 or 18 when we should have had 12. And in the end, a couple of great, dedicated players who weren’t part of what I will call the “rebel contingent” wound up with far less playing time than they deserved, while others had it pretty soft.

When this former player messaged me about it, my only answer (other than I’m sorry) was that I had learned a lot as a coach since then. In fact, that particular year definitely had an effect on how I approached running a team going forward.

For better or for worse, I become much more of a leader than a caretaker. Not saying every decision I made from then on was right. But from that point on I had a reason for everything I did. And I made sure to value the players and families who showed dedication and loyalty to the team, even when it was personally inconvenient to them, over those who put themselves first.

So coaches, I’d say learn from my mistakes. Don’t let a small but vocal contingent (or even a single person) influence you into going against your philosophy. This is especially important for new or young coaches who are just finding your way.

Also, recognize and reward the players who are giving you their very best every day – the ones who are taking personal responsibility – because they are the ones who will take you the farthest, and stand by you when things get tough.

Most of all realize that if you want to be popular coaching is the wrong way to go about it. Especially being a head coach.

People are always going to be unhappy with you – some justified, some not. If that’s a problem you may want to re-think your position, because you will have to make tough decisions and live with the consequences. Which could include losing people you thought were your friends. Or creating some extra headaches for yourself. You have to decide whether it’s worth it.

For me, this particular story has a happy postscript by the way. The former player who contacted me said she still liked me as a coach despite what happened, and felt she had a positive experience overall. I’m happy about that, because she definitely deserved better.

She has a daughter now, and perhaps someday she will coach her daughter’s softball team. If she does, I know she’ll be sure not to make this same mistake. And her players will reap the benefits.