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Funny Lines for Your Back Pocket
We’ve all experienced this phenomenon at one time or another. You get into an argument or a tense situation and instead of defusing the situation with a witty one-liner you just choke out some nonsense.
Then later on you think of the perfect comeback or bon mot, but by that time it’s far too late to say it because the moment is over.
Well, my softball friends, I have a solution for you. Instead of trying to think up something clever to say on the spot, it’s better to have a set of great one-liner in your back pocket that you can pull out when the occasion warrants it.
But you’re not a funny person who can come up with one-liners even when you’re not under pressure? Or the ones you do come up with tend to thud?
Not to worry, because we’re going to put some of Hollywood’s and the entertainment industry’s best writers on the job for you. Spend a little time committing these lines from movies and TV shows to memory, along with my suggestions on when use them, and you’ll quickly be revered as that person who always knows what to say when the need arises.
I know all the lines aren’t exactly from the movie or TV show, but they have been adapted to match the situation or reference softball or keep it appropriate for all ages. Attributions are in parentheses afterward.
- Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #1 – Wow. Anything that travels that far in the air should have a flight attendant on it. (Bull Durham)
- Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #2 – Don’t worry, that wouldn’t have been out of a lot of parks. Like Yellowstone, Yosemite, etc. (Major League)
- Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #3 – Looks like she launched that one toward South America (Major League)
- You take a risky suggestion from an assistant coach or even a player, then send the team off to do it; you then look at the person who made the suggestion and say – This had better work. (Moneyball and The Imitation Game)
- Pre-game speech before an important game – A win right now takes us to the championship (or whatever) so it’s very important we don’t stink today. (That Thing You Do)
- Answer to the above statement from a player – I make no guarantees. (Also from that Thing You Do)
- Response to a parent who has “a few thoughts” on how you should run the team – I have your phone number. When what you think becomes important to me I’ll give you a call. (NYPD Blue, although that one may not quite defuse the situation. It’s still funny though.)
- When a pitcher throws a wild pitch into the backstop – JUST a bit outside (or wherever it happened to land. (Major League)
- When someone tells a hitter her brain is getting in the way of her hitting – Well, can’t say that’s happened very often. (Tin Cup)
- When the whole team is getting down on themselves or getting nervous – Remember that softball is a game, and games are supposed to be fun. (Mr. Baseball)
- When the team has a particularly bad inning or makes a particularly bad series of goofs on one play – Well, that was a defining moment, and the definition was *poop* – (Tin Cup)
I think that’s plenty to get you started. Just think of the situations you think you’re most likely to find yourself in and focus on those first. Then you’ll be ready for whatever comes your way.
Laughing photo by Hannah Nelson on Pexels.com
When softball coach and player preferences clash

There’s an old saying that if a hitter can hit .400 (or whatever number you prefer) standing on her head, the coach’s job is to get her a pillow. It’s really just a snazzier way of saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Yet for many coaches, it’s almost impossible to resist the temptation to tinker. I get that you can always improve on something. But as they say in Bull Durham, a player on a streak has to respect the streak. (WARNING: This clip is definite NSFW so use earbuds.)
Coaches need to as well. They may believe in their hearts that hitters should always go after the first pitch, because pitchers are likely to throw strikes to try to get ahead.
But if the player feels more comfortable letting that first one go by, AND in doing so can perform well later in the count, it makes sense to let her do it. After all, Ted Williams rarely swung at the first pitch and he seemed to do ok considering he’s generally thought to be the greatest MLB hitter ever.
The same goes for calling pitches. The coach may be a huge fan of throwing low and outside, but if that’s not a pitcher’s strength you’re just asking for her to get lit up.
Or take the case of a favorite pitch. The coach may be a huge fan of the screwball, or the riseball, or some other pitch. But if the pitcher has better pitches in her arsenal, it makes more sense to rely more on those. Coaches may love the idea of speed, but if you don’t throw some changeups now and then hitter will eventually time the pitches and then it’s bye bye speed pitch.
I’ve talked lots of times about getting stuck in certain philosophies, such as sacrifice bunting a runner to second every time you get one of first with no outs. Not only doesn’t it make sense mathematically, it also makes you very predictable.
And why play for one run all the time when you have a lineup that can put up multiple runs in an inning?
One of my favorite stories involves the U.S. Olympic team, I believe in 2004. When Lisa Fernandez wasn’t pitching, she started at 3rd base and hit cleanup. But when she was pitching, the team would use a DP in her place, because back then (and really up until recently) the “book” said you DP for the pitcher.
In an interview Mike Candrea said he finally realized that every time he put his best pitcher into the game he was taking out one of his best bats, which was foolish. By bucking conventional wisdom and letting her hit for herself, he not only kept her bat in the lineup but actually added one more by using the DP for someone that didn’t hit as well.
One Gold Medal later that looked like a pretty good idea. And you’re starting to see a lot more of that thinking in the college game today.
As coaches we all have our preferences, beliefs, and philosophies. They may have worked for us in the past, but we always have to be mindful of the present.
Rather than getting caught up in “shoulds,” we need to focus on what is.
Oh, and if you are a player, keep this mind. From time to time, you’ll probably be told to do this or that by a well-meaning coach. If you’re struggling or under-performing, it may be a good idea.
But if you’re kicking butt and taking names, think about this. If you don’t follow that advice but keep performing, the coach may not be happy with you but will likely leave you in anyway. He/she would be foolish to take you out and hurt the team’s chances of winning just to prove a point. If you do follow the advice and your success rates goes down, however, you’ll likely find yourself on the bench eventually.
Not an easy choice, I know. But that’s the reality. Hopefully, however, your coach will be one who keeps a ready supply of pillows around.






