Category Archives: Parents
It’s a Short Walk from the Bench to the Stands
Today’s post is primarily aimed at softball players and their parents, although coaches could also learn a thing or two. Especially those who wonder why they keep having trouble filling their rosters.
The basic premise is that whether you’re talking travel ball or even college ball, when you pick a team to play on it’s important to choose one where you might actually play. (High school ball is a separate animal because in most cases where you play is determined by where you live.)
Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Yet when you look around even casually you’ll see it’s not as obvious as it might seem.
All too often parents will choose teams for their players, or players will make their college decisions, based on the perceived prestige of being there rather than considerations such as “Can I/my daughter actually get on the field?”
Yes, you can enjoy bragging rights for a while. You can get heads to turn when you wear the jersey or other spirit wear and walk into a room of softball people.
But ultimately the shine will wear off (see what I did there?) if you’re not actually on the field playing the game.
Ok, you say, but my goal is to get recruited to a P4 school, and to do that you have to be seen by those coaches. So I need to be on a team that’s playing at (and preferably winning) the tournaments those coaches are watching.
Sure, that’s true. But if you’re not on the field, all the coaches are learning about you is that you’re apparently not good enough to play, particularly when it matters. Do you think that helps or hurts your recruiting chances?
Not playing on Sundays not only means the P4 coaches don’t get a chance to see what you can do. It also means a whole lot of other coaches on other college teams that might have a wonderful opportunity available for you to play and to shine aren’t getting that look either.
No matter what level you’re talking, no college coach wants to take a player sight unseen because their jobs are on the line with every selection they make. They’re not going to make an offer simply because you were on a “name” team, no matter how big the name. If you’re not playing they’re going to figure there must be a reason for it and move on.
At which point you take that short walk from the bench to the next logical step – sitting in the stands while others play the game.
The same is true for playing in college – maybe even moreso. College athletics is about winning, because winning attracts money.
You may dream of playing at the University of Wherever, but if you don’t have a realistic chance of getting on the field, or at least playing an important role, you’re probably not going to be happy with that decision for very long. You need to at least be able to compete for a position.
If you’re simply outclassed by the other players at your position it’s likely your passion for the sport will fade and you’ll be taking that short walk before long.
So what can you do to avoid ending up in the stands before you’re ready for that to happen? There are a couple of things.
To begin with, choose your team wisely and realistically. Take off the rose-colored glasses and do you best to objectively determine whether you can compete for a spot on the field. That includes not only skill level but how set the coach seems to be on his/her lineup. If the same nine are always playing when it counts, regardless of whether they’re performing well or not, you might be better off somewhere else.
If you’re already on a team and you’re not playing, you have two options: get better or get moving.
The first thing you need to do is to look inward and ask if you’re giving everything you have every minute you’re there.
That starts with practice. Are you hustling and working your butt off at practice all the time, or do you take reps off or sleepwalk through certain drills/activities? Are you vocal and enthusiastic, even when you don’t feel like it, or do you it and sulk if you’re not playing regularly?
Coaches notice who wants to be there and who doesn’t, who works hard and who doesn’t. Your effort and enthusiasm are totally within your control, so make sure yours is saying you really want to be there contributing.
You can also keep working to improve your skills. Ask what you need to do to earn more playing time, then work on whatever you’re told until it meets the standard that’s required.
And if you do get that opportunity, be sure you make the most of it to show why you should get more. Otherwise you’re simply reinforcing the coach’s previous decision to keep you on the bench.
The other situation you might face is the realization that for whatever reason this is not the right team for you. At that point, it’s time to start looking at where you might be a better fit.
It could be that your skill level doesn’t match the other players – and never will. It could be that the coach simply doesn’t like you for whatever reason (it happens). It could be any number of things.
If it’s something you can’t change no matter how hard you work, though, there’s no sense staying where you are. Find a place where the team actually needs what you have to offer and then take advantage of that opportunity.
You’ll be happier, and your old team will have the opportunity to replace your roster spot with someone they feel is a better fit for them as well. Everybody wins.
Even great players can find themselves on a team where the path to the stands is shorter than the path to the field. If you’re in that position, don’t sit around waiting for things to get better.
There’s a place in this sport for everyone. Find yours and you’ll be a lot more satisfied with the outcomes.
Bleachers photo by Julion Santos on Pexels.com
Why It’s Important to Celebrate Progress, Not Just Achievement
Everyone loves to celebrate the big achievements in softball – winning a tournament or conference championship, tossing a no-hitter, hitting the game-winning home run, and so on. Those are definitely highlight in a player’s career and should be lauded whenever they occur.
Yet celebrations of a player’s performance don’t always have to wait for some major achievement. In fact in my experience it’s often more important to celebrate progress, even if it’s on a small scale, because those little wins now are usually what lead to those big wins down the road.
Here’s a good example. Let’s say you have a hitter who, as they say in Bull Durham, couldn’t hit water if she fell out of a boat. She’s all arms with no control over the bat, and she seems to defy the law of averages by not even making random contact through sheer luck.
Realizing it’s a problem she starts to take hitting lessons, and within a couple of lessons she hits a weak ground ball to second and pops out to first in the same game. Nothing to write home about in the big scheme of things – it’s still a couple of outs – but she at least put the bat on the ball.
That’s something to celebrate because it represents progress. Now, perhaps inspired, she keeps working at it and next game hits a hard line drive to shortstop or flies out with a direct hit to the left fielder.
Again, she is showing progress. Because you are celebrating and encouraging her she continues to work, and suddenly those hard-hit balls start finding some gaps between fielders.
It’s been little steps along the way, but they have been important steps. And maybe before you know it she’ll come to bat with the game on the line and produce one of those highlight reel moments that would have been unthinkable not too long ago.
I’ve seen it happen. If you have, tell your story down in the comments.
Or what about the pitcher who can’t seem to find the plate with both hands and a flashlight due to poor mechanics? She can force the ball over enough to keep giving her opportunities, but her walks are still out-pacing her strikeouts and soft contacts and you’re starting to reconsider your position with the playoffs coming.
She realizes it too and starts taking the need to work on her mechanics more seriously. She puts in the work and you can see her start looking more like a pitcher should look, even if the outcomes, while better, still aren’t where the team needs her to be.
The same goes for pitchers and speed. It takes some longer to figure things out than others, or for their bodies to even have the physical capacity to deliver an appropriate level of speed for her age.
But if she keeps working on the mechanics and on learning to feel what her body is doing at different points in the pitching motion, the improvement will come.
Again, by celebrating the progress you can send a message that what she’s doing is working and she should keep on doing it. That little bit of encouragement may be just what she needs to fulfill her potential and become a reliable member of your pitching rotation.
These are just two examples of what is often called the “grind.” While it would be wonderful if you could just make a tweak here or there and see it pay off instantly, that’s not how it usually works.
Progress doesn’t come in leaps and bounds for most; it’s normally a lot more incremental. But if you wait to recognize only the big achievements they may never happen because the player gets discouraged before she reaches that point.
A better approach is to look for the good, even when it’s small, and call it out to keep players going when the going gets tough.
Now, all of that assumes these players are working on making the changes that are needed in order for progress to occur. Empty praise doesn’t help; they have to be making the effort to fix whatever is preventing them from getting better or they’re just going to fall further behind.
But if they are, take the time to recognize the progress even if the big achievement doesn’t come right away. Because it will in time.
Understanding Why Athletes Quit Playing
As another softball season heads into the final stretch run, many softball players are making the tough decision whether to stay with their current team or make a switch. For some, though, the decision is a little different: they are deciding whether to play at all anymore.
There are lots of reasons players stop playing. But in survey after survey, you’ll find one common reason overriding all the rest: it’s just not fun anymore.
When kids are small, they sign up for sports because they look like fun. Sometimes they find it’s not as much fun from the inside (for example, kids who don’t like to run usually don’t stick with soccer or basketball) so they move on to something else.
Once they find something they like, though, they tend to stick with it. At least for a while.
For some, the fun just keeps growing. They like the act of playing, they like the competition, they like the atmosphere.
But for others, it can become overwhelming. And that’s when they start to consider whether playing ball is something they want to continue doing.
This lack of fun can take a number of forms. Some call it burnout.
They’ve been doing the same thing over and over, constantly working on their games to get better. While that can be a driver for some, for others they just grow tired of it and decide they need to move on to something else.
For others it’s outside pressures, especially as they get better and begin to play at higher levels. These higher levels come with higher expectations, from coaches, from parents/guardians, from fans, from recruiters and others.
There is more pressure to win, and losses become more traumatic, especially if they’re playing for coaches with a “win at all costs” mindset.
Some thrive on the pressure, but others find themselves overwhelmed by it. They lose their sense of self and the reasons they started to play, and all they can think about is how bad it will be for them if they fail.
Eventually they succumb to those negative thoughts and just feel like they need to get out from under it so they stop playing before everyone thinks badly of them (in their minds).
In some cases the responsibilities of playing make them feel like they have no time for anything else. Yes, playing at a high level often requires sacrifice, such as missing a trip to the amusement park or a concert or a bestie’s birthday party because they have yet another tournament that weekend.
If there’s nothing they’d rather be doing they don’t mind missing those events. But if they start feeling like softball is starting to keep them from living the rest of their lives, they may decide to play at a lower, less-demanding level or not play at all.
So when does this feeling begin to occur? Typically it’s around the age of 13.
The game starts getting harder and their lives start getting more complicated. Instead of just playing for the love of the sport, they start feeling like they have to perform in a certain way in order to attract the attention of colleges so they can secure a scholarship to their college of choice.
If they don’t, even temporarily they can feel like they’re not enough or like they’ve let the people they love down. Rather than risking it, they decide to eliminate the problem by dropping out of the sport entirely.
So how do we keep that from happening and keep more players in the sport they love?
One is to understand that they’re not perfect. Your favorite player is going to go through tough times.
They’re going to strike out a little too often, or walk a few too many hitters, or make a few too many errors, or have some other issue. Instead of coming down on them about it, recognize that they didn’t fail on purpose.
Then give them the support they need. Encourage them, and help them through the tough times.
Remind them that it’s not the end of the world, and one bad game or even a series of bad games doesn’t have to define them.
Maybe they need a little extra practice time, and if you can help them with it do so. But maybe they need a break, something to take their minds off a bad game or series, so take them out to dinner or to a movie or to their favorite beverage retailer and talk about anything but softball.
In other words, help them clear their heads of the bad juju that’s going on in there and let go of whatever is dragging them down.
If they feel like the level they’re playing at is too much, talk to them and maybe suggest they drop a level to see if they can find their love of the sport again rather than abandon it entirely. Just like learning a new skill, sometimes you have to take a step backwards before you can take a step forward. They may find themselves reinvigorated and may even want to start pursuing it a higher level again once the pressure has been relieved.
You know your child best, so think it through and help her find the fun and the love she once had so she can get it back again.
Now, understand there can be other reasons a player may not want to play anymore. She may still love the game but her life priorities have changed. That’s not what we’re talking about here.
I’m thinking more about the player who has had the love of the game sucked out of her; she probably still wants to play but can’t quite get back into the right headspace.
The fun doesn’t have to be gone forever. Recognize the warning signs and help your player get back on track, and maybe everyone involved can enjoy this great sport a little longer.
Parent Catchers: Please Take a Seat
Let’s get this out of the way right away: I’m not trying to tell you not to catch for your daughters. That time behind the plate as your daughter is learning to pitch is some of the best time you’ll ever spend with her.
No, I’m talking about the position you’re in as you take your place behind the plate. This advice is based on a phenomenon I’ve noticed over the years, but particularly recently, and especially with younger pitchers just learning control.
Parents who catch for their daughters are colloquially referred to as “bucket dads” or “bucket moms” because of their habit of sitting on a bucket to catch. The term is sometimes used self effacingly when giving advice (“I’m just a bucket dad but I think…”) or as a derogatory term (“if we could just get all the bucket moms to keep quiet…”).
But it turns out, that position on the bucket might just be the best thing for pitchers who are struggling with throwing high.
Over the winter I had a few parents who decided not to use the bucket. But rather than squatting down behind the plate (which can be a challenge for some), they decided to just bend at the waist.
I began to notice that those pitchers were tending to throw high. So, I started asking the parents to either sit on a bucket or squat and whaddya know? All of a sudden pitches that were going high started coming in hot in the strike zone instead.
It makes sense. When a parent (or any catcher) is standing up, the target or focal point of the pitcher’s eyes tend to stay up with it. The eyes are critical to throwing at a target (especially the dominant eye), so if the eyes are being drawn upward due to the catcher’s posture the pitcher will tend to throw high – even if the glove is hanging down.
By squatting or sitting, the pitcher’s eyes are drawn into the strike zone, making it easier for her to throw strikes.
If you have a pitcher who can’t quite seem to bring the ball down or hit low locations while you’re standing up, grab a bucket and give this trick a try. It just might help her build better habits that translate into better results in a game.
My good friend Jay Bolden and I have started a new podcast called “From the Coach’s Mouth” where we interview coaches from all areas and levels of fastpitch softball as well as others who may not be fastpitch people but have lots of interesting ideas to contribute.
You can find it here on Spotify, as well as on Apple Podcasts, Pandora, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you’re searching, be sure to put the name in quotes, i.e., “From the Coach’s Mouth” so it goes directly to it.
Give it a listen and let us know what you think. And be sure to hit the Like button and subscribe to Life in the Fastpitch Lane for more content like this.
6 Benefits of Playing Under Sandlot Rules
Let me start by acknowledging that today’s ballplayers are far more technically skilled and athletically knowledgeable than they were when I was young lad, and even when I started coaching more than 25 years ago. If you go out to a ballpark this weekend, even to a local B-level or C-level 10U tournament, you’re likely to see a higher level of overall performance than you would have even 10 years ago.
Don’t even get me started on how crazy good high school and college softball players are today.
We can attribute a lot of that growth, in my opinion, to the tremendous amount of information that is available to coaches today as well as the tremendous amount of time teams and individuals invest in structured, organized training sessions and practices. With competition levels already high and improving each year, you’re either getting better or getting left behind.
Yet for all their technical prowess, I think today’s players may be missing out on a few things that are equally important to their level of play – and probably more important to their development as human beings: the benefits of playing under what’s called “sandlot rules,” i.e., unstructured playtime.
Following are some of the benefits that could be gained by downsizing the organized team activities (OTAs) and giving players more time to play under “sandlot rules.” And not just softball but whatever games those players want to play at the time.
1. Acquiring decision-making capabilities
In OTAs, coaches or other adults decide what players are going to do pretty much every minute of every practice or game. They determine who’s going to play where, what order they will bat in, what strategies they’re going to follow, even what uniforms to wear, right down to the color of socks.
Under sandlot rules all of those decisions have to be made by the players themselves. They pick the teams (if teams are needed), agree on the rules, determine what equipment is needed, set the boundaries for play, etc.
Whatever needs to happen to get game or activity going, players get to decide on them. If they can’t decide, that leads to the benefit of…
2. Learning conflict resolution
Let’s say the players want to play a game of softball, but there are no lines on the field. A batter hits a ball down the line and the defense says it’s foul while the offense maintains it was a fair ball.
With no umpire to look to, the players on both sides will have to come to a conclusion. If neither side can convince the other of its position, the likely outcome is the ol’ do-over.
No matter what they determine, however, they will have worked the problem and decided on an outcome. Or they won’t agree on one, in which case the game is probably over and no one gets to play anymore.
Either way, they will have learned a valuable lesson about the value of cooperation and compromise to achieve a higher goal (in this case continuing to play).
3. Developing problem-solving skills
Certainly the situation in point #2 also involves an element of problem-solving too, but I’m thinking of more general problems for this benefit.
For example, let’s say there are enough players to have 7 on each side. But a full team requires 9 on each.
When I was a kid and that was the case, we would close an outfield section (usually right field except for me, who hits left-handed) and have the team on offense supply a catcher. It was understood that the supplied catcher was obligated to perform as if he was a member of the defensive team and do all he could to get the out if there was a play at home, or backup any plays out on the field.
If you only had 4 or 5 kids available to play, you’d switch to a different game such as 500, which incidentally is where most of us learned to fungo, helping build hand/eye coordination and bat control. Whatever the issue is, under sandlot rules there are no adults to solve the problem even make suggestions so it forces the players to work together to overcome any obstacles themselves.
What a concept.
4. Improving athleticism
There is a lot of talk these days about the benefits of playing multiple sports instead of specializing early, especially in terms of cross-training muscle groups. Heck, I’ve written about it myself.
But you don’t need OTAs to get that benefit. It’s all available on the sandlot, or at least your local park.
Want to improve speed, quickness, and agility? Playing tag is a great way to do it, especially if you have two people serving in the “it” role. Nothing brings out competitiveness and causes people of all ages to run fast, cut hard, and move their bodies in impossible ways like trying to avoid being tagged. Remember, though, to let them set the rules.
Want to build some upper body strength? Go find some monkey bars or something else to climb and let them go wild.
They’ll do it with an enthusiasm you don’t usually see during formal pull-up sessions. Add a competitive element of some sort and they’ll drive themselves to exhaustion.
Just be sure to avoid the temptation to tell them what to do. Simply put them in the situation, or better yet encourage them to do it in their free time, and you’ll all reap the rewards on and off the field.
5. Elevating their mental health
Mental health among young people has reached a crisis level, and the decline of independent activity is often cited as one of the leading causes. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 4 in 10 high school students (40%) said they had a persistent feeling of sadness or hopelessness, and 2 in 10 (20%) said they seriously contemplated suicide while 1 in 10 (10%) actually attempted it.
This was a significant increase over the same questions asked just 10-15 years prior. And even more younger students are exhibiting these tendencies at the same time school days and years are getting longer, homework is increasing, and recess time is being cut to just 29.6 minutes a day on average – if they get recess at all.
Giving players of all ages more unstructured free time to “just go and play” may help turn this trend around, resulting in happier, healthier, more well-adjusted, and more productive young people – and adults.
6. Letting them have fun
Always remember that fastpitch softball is a game, and games are meant to be fun. Nobody signs up thinking “boy, I hope we do a lot of work today.”
In pretty much every survey of young athletes you’ll find, the #1 reason they quit sports (often around the age of 13 or 14) is that they’re not fun anymore. Inject more fun in their lives and we can keep more of our players playing longer.
Back to the sandlot
The game of fastpitch softball requires a lot of learning, both on the mental and physical sides, so it’s easy for coaches and parents to not want to “waste time on nonsense.” But that nonsense may be exactly what your players need to perform their best.
Give them the opportunity to get back to the sandlot now and then and you’ll help enhance their overall experience with sports – and help them become the adults they’re meant to be one day.
A Tribute to the Parents Who Show Up Just in Case their Daughter Plays
You see them at every high school (and sometimes college) ballfield. In cold weather climes they are bundled up in parkas, blankets, quilts, wool hats, mittens, and whatever else they can find to keep them warm, sitting in their camp chairs either alone or maybe in pairs, steeling themselves against March and early April winds that cut through all their layers like a knife.
In warmer climes they might have rain ponchos or even makeshift shelters to protect them against the showers that can crop up out of nowhere and drench them in a matter of minutes if they’re not prepared.
They do all of this without the assurance of a reward for their efforts. Because these aren’t the parents of the starters or regular players.
No, they’re the parents who show up game after game, putting up with the elements and the difficult conditions, hoping against hope they will get a chance to see their daughters get into the game for an inning or two.
I remember watching them when my daughters were playing high school softball. When I was at a game, no matter how cold or wet it was, I knew I would get the opportunity to see my daughters play the game they loved.
I could count on seeing them pitch, hit, play the field in just about every inning.
But then I would look at these parents and admire their fortitude. They had no such assurances their daughters would get into the game.
They could go days or weeks at a time and never see their daughters so much as pinch run. Their only real hope of seeing their daughters on the field was for their to be a blowout, i.e., their daughter’s team getting either so far ahead or so far behind that the coach would take the starters out and give an inning or two to the bench players.
But you know what? They showed up anyway, game after game, braving the cold, the wind, the occasional rain or even sleet, cheering for the team and just being there supporting their own daughters.
That, my friends, is love.
While honestly I was glad I wasn’t one of them, and even felt a little bad for them in a way, I also couldn’t help but be impressed by their dedication and their quality of character. It would have been easy for them to figure there’s not much point in going, especially when the team was playing against a close conference rival where one run might be the difference between winning and losing.
They could have easily thought, “She’s never going to get in so I might as well use the time more productively.” But they didn’t.
Instead, they showed up before the game started and hung around until the end, supporting their daughters in their sport of choice.
So here’s to all of you who make that choice and sit through all the weather and other challenges just on the off-chance your daughter gets an opportunity to play, even if just for an inning. You are good people, and your dedication hasn’t gone unnoticed.
Dress warm (if needed), keep dry, and I hope your patience is rewarded sooner rather than later.
My good friend Jay Bolden and I have started a new podcast called “From the Coach’s Mouth” where we interview coaches from all areas and levels of fastpitch softball as well as others who may not be fastpitch people but have lots of interesting ideas to contribute.
You can find it here on Spotify, as well as on Apple Podcasts, Pandora, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you’re searching, be sure to put the name in quotes, i.e., “From the Coach’s Mouth” so it goes directly to it.
Give it a listen and let us know what you think. And be sure to hit the Like button and subscribe to Life in the Fastpitch Lane for more content like this.
Top photo by Yakup Polat on Pexels.com
Remember to Celebrate Progress and Successes
The other day I went to visit a healthcare professional (HP). Nothing serious, just basically checking a box for the insurance company.
Anyway, we were talking about some lifestyle changes I’ve made to try to stay healthier longer. Yet it seemed like every time I told the HP about some improvement I’d made she countered with I should be doing this or that too.
It was kind of frustrating, because rather than feeling encouraged to continue doing better I was made to feel like no matter what I did it would never be good enough. The focus would always be on what more I could do or should be doing.
That experience got me to thinking about how we coach our fastpitch softball players. (Take that Google algorithms.)
Often times we coaches are so focused on trying to get our players ready for “the next level” (whatever that is) or trying to make them look just like the players we see on TV that we fail to acknowledge all the great work they’ve done to get themselves to this point. And that can be just as discouraging as my experience with the HP.
That’s why it’s important every now and then along the journey to stop and take a look backward even as you’re trying to look ahead to the next goal. Showing a player how far she has come can give her a real boost to continue putting in the work to keep moving forward.
Let’s take a hitter who has been working on her swing. Honestly, I get a fair amount of students whose only goal (or their parents’ only goal for them) is to not strike out every time they come to bat.
Mom and/or Dad aren’t looking for little Amelia to hit home runs or have the highest batting average on the team. They’re simply hoping she doesn’t get totally discouraged from playing because she wouldn’t hit water if she fell out of a boat.
They don’t want to have to cringe every time she comes to the plate, but that’s another story.
So Amelia gets help from a coach or instructor, fixes whatever was causing her to just randomly swing the bat and hope she hit something, and now she’s making contact with greater regularity and getting on base now and then. At which point the goal becomes to start hitting the ball to or over the fence.
That’s great that everyone wants Amelia to keep growing and improving. But maybe in the midst of all that take a step back to appreciate the fact that the original goal has been met and let Amelia feel good about what she has accomplished so far – at least for a few minutes.
Video is great for that, by the way. Even if Amelia isn’t quite getting on base often enough, showing her a video of how she used to swing the bat versus how she is swinging it now will probably help her build confidence and continue to focus on the process instead of the outcomes.
Then let the law of averages take care of the rest.
It’s the same for pitching. Maybe you have a goal of having a pitcher throw faster, or throw more strikes. Or both.
Regardless of the goal, the path to achieving it starts with improving her mechanics.
So perhaps when she started out she looked less like she was trying to pitch and more like she was trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Showing her a video of how she used to look versus how she looks now might give her some encouragement that she’s on the right track, even if the radar isn’t reflecting it or she’s still throwing a few too many in the dirt. That doesn’t mean you still don’t want to hold her to a higher standard.
But you can acknowledge the fact that she is improving so she has something to feel good about while she works toward the bigger payoff.
All of this doesn’t mean you should provide false praise just to spare the player’s feelings. If she’s not putting in the work and showing improvement that needs to be called out. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Often, however, we are in such a hurry to get to the ultimate goal (being names an MVP, making a particular team, winning a scholarship, etc.) that we don’t take the time to appreciate the progress that’s already been made.
So think about that today. If you’re a coach, what can you do to recognize how much better your players are today than they were a month ago, or three months ago, or a year ago, etc.?
If you’re a parent, what can you point to that lets your daughter know you are proud of how far she has come so far? Even if she still has a ways to go.
That little bit of encouragement may be just the thing your player needs to keep grinding – and build a level of confidence that will carry through not just her softball career but her whole life.
What to Expect When You Become a Pitcher’s Parent
Sooooo…your daughter has decided that she wants to become a pitcher.
Congratulations to her! That’s a big step, especially given the importance of the position in fastpitch softball.
The value of a quality pitcher in softball is roughly the same as the value of a quality quarterback in football. While those roles differ, both can have a huge impact on whether the team wins or loses.
Because of all of that you are excited. You can’t wait to watch your wonderful, softball-loving daughter shine in the circle and feel the glow of admiration from coaches, teammates, and fans alike.
I know. I’ve been there – twice – and have seen those feelings in the eyes and body language of countless students.
But it’s not all sunshine and unicorns, even if your daughter is a tremendous athlete and a start in other aspects of the sport. So now that that decision has been made, let me clue you newbies in on what you’re in for going forward.
Parents of pitchers, current and past, be sure to chime in down in the comments about any aspects I’ve missed. It’s been a while for me.
The Time
You know that thing they call free time? Forget about it for the next 10-15 years, depending on how old your daughter is.
Because it’s a thing of the past.
Becoming even a decent pitcher takes a lot of work, i.e., many hours spent honing the craft. So while other parents gets to unwind at the end of a long, tough work day by collapsing on the couch, perhaps with an adult beverage or two, there is no such paradise waiting for you.
Instead, you will come home, change, maybe grab a quick bite, and then head out to a field, facility, and/or lesson so your daughter can get better. You see, pitching mechanics require a tremendous degree of precision and coordination to execute, and even the slightest variance can mean more walks than strikeouts, or too many hit-by-pitches, or too many balls left too fat in the zone resulting in big hits.
Not to mention there’s always another mile per hour or two to chase. So your “free time” will be spent sitting on a bucket and/or driving somewhere so your daughter has her best chance of succeeding.
The Nerves
Ever see a crowd sitting calmly watching a softball game? Everyone there is relaxed, chatting about the game or their lives, checking their phones for messages, maybe enjoying a snack or two on a lovely evening.
What you won’t see there is the current pitcher’s parent(s). That because the parent(s) are frantically pacing up and down the sidelines, or more likely somewhere behind the outfield fence, living and dying on every pitch.
Remember how I said in the beginning it’s a huge responsibility? As a pitcher’s parent you’re going to feel all the weight of that responsibility, probably much more than your daughter does, and you’re not going to be able to do a danged thing about it.
Except pace. And mumble to yourself. And question every pitch call from your coach as well as the umpire. Then pace some more.
You are basically trapped in a hell of your own making while you try to will your daughter to hit her spots, make the ball spin, or throw as hard in a game as she does in practice.
Eventually she will get there. But then you’ll just stalk up and down the sidelines or outfield fence and fret about the outcome of every pitch anyway. Because that’s what pitcher’s parents do.
The Fighting with Your Daughter
Learning to pitch is a long, arduous process with many ups and downs. As a good parent you want to see your daughter succeed.
Unfortunately, she may not realize how much work it takes, and thus will want to live the same type of life as other girls her age. As if!
So the two of you will fight about whether she can go here or there, or whether she needs to practice first.
You will also fight about mechanics. Because you heard one thing at her last lesson and she heard another. Or you’ve been checking the Internet for advice again and want her to try whatever tip or trick you just learned.
You will fight about what happened during the game. Did she try hard enough? Did she give up too many walks? Why did she throw a changeup to a hitter who clearly couldn’t hit her faster pitches? Why didn’t she throw home to force the runner there instead of throwing to first base and letting the run score?
And so on, and so on.
Fathers and daughters in particular will fight, because that’s just natural in human dynamics. The good new is, as tough as it can be, better to be fighting about pitching than who she was with or what she was doing last night.
Oh, and if you are also her team coach as well as practice catcher, get ready for many storm clouds ahead. It’s gonna be a rough ride.
The Money
So, you thought softball was expensive before your daughter declared she wanted to be a pitcher? Those will quickly become the good old days.
It starts with lessons of course. They aren’t cheap, and they have to be done frequently to get anywhere. Like once a week or once every other week (for a longer period of time) if you want her to gain competence quickly.
You will also need the ubiquitous bucket to carry balls and a glove in, as well as to sit on during lessons (hence the term “bucket dad” or “bucket mom”). It’s not required, but unless you’re a former catcher or someone who does a lot of squats normally you’re probably going to appreciate it quickly.
Then, as your little pitcher gets better, you’re going to start needing to purchase special equipment. It starts with a catcher’s mitt because your hand can’t take it when she starts popping the glove.
Then, as she learns to throw changeups and drops, you’ll probably want a pair of shin guards, and maybe a paid of shoes with steel toes. As speed picks up and movement gets sharper, you’ll probably need a catcher’s helmet too, so at that point you may as well get a chest protector as well.
As she gets better she will be sought after by better teams that play more often and travel farther to do it. Now you’re looking at thousands more dollars for the summer alone.
Eventually what started out as a nice little diversion ends up costing as much as a decent boat. But that’s ok, because you won’t have time to enjoy a boat even if you bought one.
The Heartbreak
It’s hard to watch your child struggle at anything, much less fail. But softball is a game built on failure, and nowhere is it more painful than when your daughter is having a tough time pitching.
Sure, it’s hard to watch your daughter strike out too. But that probably only happens maybe two or three times a game. But if she’s throwing balls and hitting batters when she should be throwing strikes, or serving up meatballs like she’s working at Olive Garden, it can be devastating to her – and to you.
Basically, a pitcher’s parent tends to live and die on every pitch. Especially during a tight game or one against a major rival.
So you may find yourself dying dozens of times during a game, and even a hundred or more on the weekend. And that’s just you.
Seeing the pain on her face during or after the game is tough to take. Yet you’re probably going to have to live with that pain for a while until she gets more experienced. If you’re not ready it can come as quite a shock.
Worth It?
So yes, the struggle is real. Which begs the question, “Is it worth it?”
That’s a decision you’ll ultimately have to make. Maybe your daughter will try it, realize how hard it is (and/or how much work it really takes) and opt out.
That’s ok. The team needs a center fielder too.
But if it’s something she really wants to pursue, in my opinion the answer is yes. Because she will learn how to overcome obstacles galore and the two of you will spend plenty of quality time together (when you’re not arguing). Probably much more than you would have otherwise.
Not to mention there’s nothing like the joy in your daughter’s face when she strikes out her first batter, retires the side in a close game, pitches her to team to a championship, and earns an MVP medal or game ball for her outstanding performance.
So if one day your daughter announces that she would like to be a pitcher, it’s ok to celebrate. But be aware of what you’re getting into and strap yourself in.
Because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The One Tool Every Fastpitch Coach Needs in His/Her Bag
There are all kinds of devices and training tools available to fastpitch softball (and other) coaches today. A quick scan of Amazon or any sporting goods website will offer all kinds of ways to solve all kinds of problems at all kinds of price points.
But there is one tool today’s coaches need to make sure they have in their bags if they want to meet the expectations of many fastpitch players and especially parents today: a magic wand.
(Mine happens to be a Sirius Black model, as I’m sure Coach Katie McKay Phillips has already identified. If you don’t know who Sirius Black is, you really need to read more.)
The reason you need a magic wand is simple: many players and parents want to see instant improvement in individuals and teams.
They don’t want to spend hours practicing skills such as hitting, throwing, and pitching in the basement, backyard, or batting cages. They don’t want to spend hours out at the field learning their positions and what plays to make in specific situations or how to communicate where the ball will go.
Instead, they want you as the coach to wave a magic wand and take the team from looking like a group of misfit toys to a unit that can compete for tournament championships every weekend. So you’d best have a magic wand in your bag to show them you’re trying to give them what they want!
Now, of course, as any Harry Potter fan knows the wand is only as good as the wizard who wields it. So you’d best be practicing your spells and charms.
Once you have your wand, here are a few you can try. Some are directly from the Hogwarts courseware, while others are spells and charms of my own design.
Just remember, if you are a total Muggle and can’t get them to work, you’ll have to acquire the results the long, old-fashioned way – with lots of practice and repetition.
- Wingardium Leviosa – This one is one of the first Hogwarts students learn. It’s a levitation charm used to lift objects. Comes in mighty handy when your team can’t hit too well. Throw a little Wingardium Leviosa at a weak ground ball and watch it turn into a soaring line drive. You can also use it more subtly to turn a weak pop-up into a duck snort that sails just out of reach of every converging fielder. I’m sure you’ve seen that before.
- Expellliarmus – Good for when an opposing fielder is about to make a play that will result in a costly out. Originally designed to pull an opponent’s wand from his/her hand, it’s also great for turning a routine fielding opportunity into an instant error. No doubt you’ve seen this one being used by your opponents to make you look like you’ve never taught your players how to play. Naturally some coaches over-use it and then your team makes error after error, giving up a big inning. After all, the team couldn’t be that bad on their own after spending THE ENTIRE WEEK working on fielding ground balls and bunts.
- Petrificus Totalus – This is a full body binding spell that causes temporary complete paralysis. You have probably seen this one in action when your hitters were at the plate. The opposing pitcher throws a meatball down the middle of the plate and your hitter watches it go by for strike three. They didn’t freeze up on their own – they were hit with Petrificus Totalus by a wizard on the other side of the field. What other explanation could there be?
- Oblivius – This one is really handy becaue it enables you to erase the memory of people or events you don’t want someone to remember. It can be used in a couple of different ways. When used on opponents you can cause them to forget what to do with the ball on defense so they just stand there confused, holding it and looking around. No doubt you’ve seen this one in use as well. For your own team, you can use it when your pitcher just gave up a home run or other big hit to an opposing hitter and has now lost total confidence in herself and her ability to throw a strike. A little Oblivius and she’s right back in there. Coaches can also use it on themselves to forget bad innings or entire games before it gives them ulcers.
- Accio – The summoning spell that brings things to you. You’ll have to teach it to your players so the ball goes to them. How else do you explain a sure home run that hits a phantom gust of win and stays in the yard so the worst fielder in the game can catch it?
- Confundus Charm (Confundo) – Ever see three fielders converge on a ball only to let it drop between all of them? That’s Confundo in action.
- Instanteous Pitchus – Learning to pitch can be a long, arduous journey filled with hard work and major disappointments. But it doesn’t have to be. If you use this charm correctly you can turn any wannabe-pitcher into an instant ace in just one lesson. Which is what many parents expect of their coaches. No long, boring practice time or hours spent chasing balls around a backstop. Any pitcher can go from zero to hero if you apply this charm.
- Sluggeraramus – Does for hitters what Instanteous Pitchus does for pitchers. Or what parents expect purchasing a $500 bat will do for a kid with a 5 cent swing. If you can cast this spell, which is not easy to do, you won’t have to use Wingardium Leviosa so much in a game because every hit will already be a great one.
- Awareweed – Not so much a spell or charm as an herbal potion you can feed your players in lieu of spending practice time teaching them what to do with the ball in specific situations. Somehow they will just know where the ball should go, such as whether they should throw home to try to cut down the lead runner or realize that run is already scoring so go after one who is more vulnerable. It also gives them situational understanding, such as throwing to first for the sure out when your team has a 10-run lead rather than trying to get the runner heading home on a tag play. When your team is loaded up on Awareweed, coaches and parents can just sit back and enjoy the magic happening on the field.
- Silencio – While this silencing spell can be used on players when their incessant cheers are giving you a headache, it’s best applied to all the parent “coaches” in the stands who are yelling advice to their players (especially at the plate) or providing a running monolog of every play you as the coach should have made (after the fact, of course), criticisms of personnel or baserunning decisions, ideas on how to improve run production, and whatever else pops into their mind at the time. It can (and should) also be applied to those who have decided it’s their job to teach the umpire how to do his/her job.
That’s a fairly comprehensive list – enough to keep you studying for at least a year until you can pass your Ordinary Wizarding Level (O.W.L.) exam and more on to more advanced spells, charms, and potions.
That said, if you don’t have access to a wand, or can’t make it work, you’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way – and explain it to your players and their parents as well.
The old-fashioned way isn’t quite as easy for them, and it takes longer, but it brings its own kind of magic as players achieve capabilities on their own they never dreamed they could acquire. And in the long run it’s a lot more satisfying because it’s been earned.
What Undefeated Records and Huge Run Differentials Really Say About Your Team
You see it just about every weekend in social media. “It” is the excited posts from parents describing their kids’ teams’ great weekend of fastpitch softball.
“Went 6-0 this weekend,” it will start, then go on to add, “And we outscored our opponents 64-3! This team is simply amazing.”
I get that you’re happy the team did so well. But in my mind, going 6-0 with a 64-3 run differential isn’t something to brag about. Instead, you should be embarrassed because clearly your team was in the wrong tournament for their ability level.
The reality is if your daughter’s team is ripping through the competition like that it’s not good for anyone. Even for your daughter’s team.
Yes, I get it that it’s fun to win. But remember that iron is forged in fire, and steel is honed by steel, not foam. If you want to get stronger you have to stress your muscles, not go through “exercise programs” where you don’t break a sweat.
So in order to get better, your team must play opponents who can place them at a risk of losing – not opponents they can tear through like a hot knife through butter. Sure, you may not end up with as much hardware to gather dust in your house.
But you will test yourself and get better as a result. An overall winning percentage of 60% to 70% is the sweet spot.
Of course, there are a couple of reasons teams find themselves playing weaker competition than they should.
Sometimes, especially with new and/or younger teams, there are a lot of unknowns and coaches aren’t sure how good they’re going to be. So the coaches plan a tournament schedule that protects the team against getting discouraged by having their heads handed to them every weekend if it turns out they’re not so hot.
But then it turns out the players are actually as good as the coaching staff thought they were during tryouts and there was no need to play that lower-level schedule. They are stuck with the schedule, however, so they end up playing a level below where they should be.
There’s nothing malicious there, just an unfortunate circumstance that resulted from a lot of unknowns. Good coaches will recognize this disparity and want to move their teams to a more appropriate level of play as quickly as possible.
(Unfortunately, they may find resistance from some of the parents who have fallen in love with winning and don’t want to “risk” losing more. If you’re one of those parents, stop complaining and instead thank your coach for wanting to help your daughter get better.)
The other option is more nefarious. In this case, the coaches knew they had a very good team but purposely opted to play a lower-level schedule so they could win more (and look better).
These types of teams/coaches are typically referred to as “trophy hunters.” They are where they are specifically so they can go 6-0 (or at worst 5-1) every weekend while racking up a 64-3 run differential.
Then when their kids end up in a more competitive softball situation and little Suzy is on the bench the parents can’t understand why the coach doesn’t recognize how great little Suzy is.
No matter which way you find yourself there, you don’t want to stay there.
In reality you don’t want your daughter’s team ripping through the competition week after week. You want it, and especially your daughter, to be challenged every week.
That’s how she will get better. And if the team has to struggle to win, rather than dominating all weekend, the win itself will be that much sweeter.
But if all you care about is winning, then yeah, leave the team that’s trying to better itself by playing better competition and find a trophy hunter. Lord knows there are plenty of those around.
The bottom line is that going undefeated every weekend and posting a huge run differential is nothing to write home about – or write on social media about. Especially if your daughter has aspirations of playing college softball.
Instead, play on a team where your daughter will be challenged every inning of every game of every tournament – one where the team walks out exhausted but proud, knowing it took everything they had to secure each victory. And one where the coaching staff is constantly seeking to challenge the players to play at their tops of their games rather than letting them slide by by beating up on weaker opponents.
It may be tougher to take the additional losses at first. But your daughter will benefit so much more in the long run, because she will develop into the player she’s meant to be.
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Life in the Fastpitch Lane 