We’ve all experienced this phenomenon at one time or another. You get into an argument or a tense situation and instead of defusing the situation with a witty one-liner you just choke out some nonsense.

Then later on you think of the perfect comeback or bon mot, but by that time it’s far too late to say it because the moment is over.

Well, my softball friends, I have a solution for you. Instead of trying to think up something clever to say on the spot, it’s better to have a set of great one-liner in your back pocket that you can pull out when the occasion warrants it.

But you’re not a funny person who can come up with one-liners even when you’re not under pressure? Or the ones you do come up with tend to thud?

Not to worry, because we’re going to put some of Hollywood’s and the entertainment industry’s best writers on the job for you. Spend a little time committing these lines from movies and TV shows to memory, along with my suggestions on when use them, and you’ll quickly be revered as that person who always knows what to say when the need arises.

I know all the lines aren’t exactly from the movie or TV show, but they have been adapted to match the situation or reference softball or keep it appropriate for all ages. Attributions are in parentheses afterward.

• Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #1 – Wow. Anything that travels that far in the air should have a flight attendant on it. (Bull Durham)
• Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #2 – Don’t worry, that wouldn’t have been out of a lot of parks. Like Yellowstone, Yosemite, etc. (Major League)
• Your pitcher gives up a home run and you have to make a circle visit #3 – Looks like she launched that one toward South America (Major League)
• You take a risky suggestion from an assistant coach or even a player, then send the team off to do it; you then look at the person who made the suggestion and say – This had better work. (Moneyball and The Imitation Game)
• Pre-game speech before an important game – A win right now takes us to the championship (or whatever) so it’s very important we don’t stink today. (That Thing You Do)
• Answer to the above statement from a player – I make no guarantees. (Also from that Thing You Do)
• Response to a parent who has “a few thoughts” on how you should run the team – I have your phone number. When what you think becomes important to me I’ll give you a call. (NYPD Blue, although that one may not quite defuse the situation. It’s still funny though.)
• When a pitcher throws a wild pitch into the backstop – JUST a bit outside (or wherever it happened to land. (Major League)
• When someone tells a hitter her brain is getting in the way of her hitting – Well, can’t say that’s happened very often. (Tin Cup)
• When the whole team is getting down on themselves or getting nervous – Remember that softball is a game, and games are supposed to be fun. (Mr. Baseball)
• When the team has a particularly bad inning or makes a particularly bad series of goofs on one play – Well, that was a defining moment, and the definition was *poop* – (Tin Cup)

I think that’s plenty to get you started. Just think of the situations you think you’re most likely to find yourself in and focus on those first. Then you’ll be ready for whatever comes your way.

Laughing photo by Hannah Nelson on Pexels.com